“...I bought an oxygen tank, because with the global population at over seven billion people and rising, what if the world were to suddenly run out of air? And while the people will be suffocating, I’ll be the only guy prepared to pillage and loot.
”
EARTH-The Biosphere, the global sum of all the ecosystems on Earth, is reportedly on life support, says its children Geosphere, Hydrosphere, Cryosphere, and Atmosphere.
Biosphere, which has been suffering from a number of terminal conditions for decades--including acidification of its seas, global warming, species depletion, the trashing of its oceans, and the dumb asses who comprise a majority of the House of Representatives in the United States--is apparently on its last legs and, given the acceleration of climate change over the next fifty years, can no longer sustain itself on its own.
Says Biosphere's oldest daughter, Cryosphere, "Dad has been hanging on by a thread for years now, and--with the Koch brothers promoting the burning of fossil fuels at an alarming rate and simultaneously funding the dumbing down of the American people--he was just about ready to throw in the towel."
She sadly shook her head and continued: "His attitude toward the end was, 'Fuck them. If they can't take care of their own planet, why the hell should I even care! I'm giving up.' Then he just turned to the wall and quit breathing. That's when we called 911."
Added Atmosphere, the youngest in the family: "At that point, EMT's from the United Nations Ecosystem Management Department tried to administer life-saving procedures to revive Dad, but the Koch brothers sent in their lawyers to stop the EMTs from, as they put it, 'imposing burdensome regulations that might diminish the power of the free enterprise system to provide jobs for hard-working, God-fearing families all over the developed world."
At that point, a comatose Biosphere was simply taken to the nearest hospital and put on life support. Said James Inhofe, the Senator from Oklahoma who spews more methane out of his mouth than all the cattle in his state combined: "Taxpayers should not have to foot the bill of keeping a moocher like Biosphere alive for another day! This is just one more example of the overreach of big government under the tyranny of Obamacare and the Environmental Protection Agency! Let the old codger die."
The rifle is the weapon of democracy... If guns are outlawed, only the government will have guns. Only the police, the secret police, the military, the hired servants of our rulers. Only the government—and a few outlaws. I intend to be among the outlaws.
SWAT Raids Bingo Game At Nursing Home Leaving 7 Injured, 1 Dead
A Special Weapons and Tactics unit raided an illegal bingo game at Pleasant Place Nursing Home in Glendale, AZ yesterday, killing one and injuring seven.
The night’s winner, Cynthia Wellington, was collecting her winnings when a dozen SWAT members, armed with assault rifles, rushed the room and demanded to see everyone’s identification.
Seniors who could not produce an identification card were ordered to the floor and zip tied. “A man in his 90s with a wheelchair is not going to have his drivers license on him,” said a nurse on the scene
Any for-profit games are considered gambling in the state of Arizona and must be registered to the state. However, Nurse Jackie Thompson told reporters the top prize was five dollars and the seniors are “always more interested in the carrot cake that is served.”
“I never imagined I’d ever see dozens of elderly hogtied on the ground,” Thompson said. “Many didn’t even know where they were. I couldn’t stop crying, I just wanted to see what happened to Vinny.”
Vincent Cullen, who served in the Navy for 44 years, had a heart attack during the military-style operation when eight armored Suburbans, two M4A4 tanks, and a Blackhawk helicopter blocked the driveway entrance, not allowing emergency medical technicians access to the 86-year-old grandfather.
