“I used to think the world was broken down by tribes,' But I know this isn't true. The world is only broken into two tribes: the people who are assholes and the people who are not.”
Langley, VA - Specialist code breakers at USA's Spook Central have uncovered what might be the complex psychological reason behind Islamic State Caliph's psychotic rants.
They say Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi was born with two sets of genitals - one male, one female - nestling on the outside of an unusually discolored groin area.
The mutation probably occurred when the fledgling terrorist was little more than a developing fetus and caught a nasty in utero bug.
"We made the discovery by rearranging the letters of his name," one of Langley's cryptographers commented, "it anagrams to Ah, Bad Dark Labia Bug."
Following months of digging in the IS leader's murky past the Agency released the psychological profile this morning.
It describes how, when al-Baghdadi was born, puzzled local midwives made the 'née-jerk' decision to give him a FGM - female genital mutilation - makeover to 'cut out the demon' embedded in his loins.
"Probably not much anasthetic was used," the CIA spokesperson added. President Obama has asked to be kept informed.
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