Thursday, November 28, 2013


Thanksgiving is supposed to be a warm, fuzzy holiday where family members get together to celebrate loving familial ties, share thoughts of thankfulness and eat pie. Maybe you’re so accustomed to mayhem and drama that you don’t even realize just how messed up your holiday was. Here are the top 10 signs your Thanksgiving sucked.

You should have listened to your wife when she said you should double-check the turkey with a meat thermometer. It didn’t look that undercooked… but by the end of the football game everyone was throwing up. Vomit and successful parties? Not unless you’re at a frat house.

The snarky comment you made about the Red Hatter’s Club during dinner? You shoulda kept your mouth shut.

So you kind of overdid it at dinner yesterday. But now it’s 4:00 p.m. Friday and you still can’t get those pants buttoned. It’s a black, black Friday indeed.

Aunt Ethel thinks that the sign of a good cook is a perfect pie crust; you thought no one would notice that you picked them up at the Shop-N-Save. Next time you’ll take them out of the store packaging and put them in a pie tin before bringing them to Ethel’s Thanksgiving dinner.

Uncle Wally voted for Romney; Uncle Bob voted for Obama. The heated political debate started over the turkey and mashed potatoes and turned into a fist fight on the front lawn before pie. At least the neighbors had something to talk about.

You figured that if you got the turkey out of the freezer by noon, you would have a fully-cooked, deliciously browned and tender turkey by dinnertime. Maybe your mother-in-law is right… you are an idiot. No one wants Ramen Noodles for Thanksgiving dinner.

Your party was so boring that everyone left at 6:00 to get in line at Walmart. You know your party sucks when people choose stampeding rednecks and cheap plastic crap from China over hanging out with you.

So you’re the only one in the family who’s not married. That doesn’t mean you can’t still contribute to the scintillating discussion at the adult table. Instead, you spent the evening watching Jimmy create mashed potato volcanos and Sally stuff peas up her nose.

Everyone was gathered around the television. It was the last 30 seconds of the game; the losing team was down by 3. Their quarterback had the ball… 40 yards from the end zone… 30 yards…. 25 yard….And, the cable went out. Somehow, a game of Charades just isn’t the same.

Yum…deep fried turkey. Sounded pretty good, didn’t it? You should have read the deep-fryer directions, though. You’re supposed to THAW THE TURKEY FIRST. Now, your house is burnt to the ground and you’re homeless. Happy Thanksgiving!

Via Catherine Rees